Back in March a few friends and I made our way to the Indiana HorrorHound convention for a gore-filled weekend of movies, drinking, Clive Barker, drinking, old and new friends, and more drinking. If any of you were there you most likely remember what a clusterfuck it was. At one point on Saturday there was a two-hour wait just to get in the dealer room, with shoulder-to-shoulder crowds waiting for you once you managed to force your way inside. It may have been poorly organized, but it was still a blast.
On Saturday afternoon, after finally making my way back inside the chaotic dealer room, I was helplessly swept along with the crowd. Picture a slow, nerdy running of the bulls and you’ll be close. I’m not claustrophobic but I’m also not overly fond of teeming masses, so this was a little much. I saw an opening as we approached a turn at the back of the room and I went for it. I managed to disentangle from the horde but now I was stranded in a distant corner with a solid wall of people between me and the front doors. I stood there for a second eyeing the emergency exit, weighing the pros and cons of setting off a fire alarm, when a poster caught my eye. The image was of a shirtless, flexing body builder’s upper back, with a banner reading “Beef.” It’s not often that you see some male skin at these conventions so I was officially curious. With nothing else to do while I waited for the crowd to die down, I pulled up IMDB on my phone and discovered Beef was a low budget slasher where bodybuilders are cannibalized in a young man’s quest to get buff. Wow. Sold. Do I like low budget slashers? Yes. Do I like low budget slashers with a cannibal twist? Uh-huh. Do I like buff, nearly naked men? Oh yeah. Do I like all of these things put together? You bet I do. At least in theory, but we’ll get to that.
Once the crowd cleared out I made my way over to the booth and asked about the poster. The guy working didn’t know anything about it but told me to come back in a few minutes when “Marv” would be back. I’d just fought through a sea of people and now I was waiting for a guy named Marv. This was turning in to an adventure. It turns out the Marv in question was Marv Blauvelt, who was actually in the movie. He was a nice guy but he seemed surprised and slightly embarrassed that I was asking about Beef, which only increased my curiosity. Marv sheepishly described the film as “campy” and quickly changed the subject to Sculpture, an upcoming film he was promoting. He didn’t have any copies of Beef with him, but he gave me a Sculpture poster and directed me to the Screamkings website. Foiled in my quest, I met up with my friends and forgot about it until I got back to the hotel room.
When I followed up on the Screamkings website I was torn. I really like the idea behind the company. Screamkings makes and markets low budget horror films that turn one of horror’s major conventions on its head by featuring lots of (nearly) naked men as opposed to women. Thumbs up for that - it’s about time someone other than David DeCoteau played that card. Where I ran in to problems was the price. $29.99 for a single movie? Really? Look, I understand that this is a niche market within a niche market, but that’s asking a lot. Fortunately for me, it turns out I was with someone who appreciates naked muscle men nearly as much as I do. With a borrowed copy secured, I was ready to sit down and watch some sexy, man-eat-man action.
Describing this movie as “campy” may not be entirely accurate. It’s certainly ultra low budget (think subterranean, then go lower), and the premise is entirely ridiculous, but it feels more cheap than campy. I don’t mean that as an insult. I like cheap. But with its lackluster settings and uninspired gore, Beef is missing that extra something that would’ve pushed it over the camp edge. The story is a pretty original twist on the classic “eat your enemy and gain their strength” idea, and the acting is what you’d expect from a low budget cannibal skin flick. Not that the acting or story are all that important anyway. The centerpiece of this film is definitely the, um, beef. Our skinny, picked on protagonist works his way through a parade of bodybuilders who he lures to his apartment to “photograph.” “Photograph” in this case means the guys come over, strip down to their underwear and pose for a few minutes before being murdered and eaten. Did you catch that? If not it’s okay because it, and nothing else, happens over and over and over again until the end of the movie. I mentioned the lackluster settings earlier, and by the end I felt like I was trapped in the bland apartment where we spent most of the film. Maybe that’s what they were going for, but I doubt it. It didn’t feel like atmosphere, it just felt lazy. If you want to film a movie in an apartment, let me direct you to Vegas in Space for inspiration. Those ladies turned an apartment in to an alien planet. I think the Screamkings could stand to do better.
Don’t get the wrong impression. I didn’t dislike the film and I wouldn’t regret spending $10 bucks on it, but I’d have been pissed if I’d dropped $30 on it. They obviously didn’t spend ANY money making this thing, so the price tag just feels like a total rip off. Which makes me question if they’re actually behind what they’re doing, or if they’re just pandering to make a buck. I’d like to throw my support behind them but cautious optimism is the best I can manage at the moment. If I can come across some cheap copies somewhere I’d gladly check out more of their collection, but seeing as how they didn’t even have any at a sizeable horror convention I’m not holding my breath for that.
If you're curious about Screamkings, you can catch trailers for their other films here.
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