TKO

If you live near a Big Lots and have three dollars to spare, I’d recommend heading over and picking up a copy of Deadly Friend ASAP. This little Wes Craven gem is ridiculously awesome and stars Kristy “the Vampire Slayer” Swanson as an abused girl who lives next door to a teenage brain surgeon (Spike Jones, anyone?) who just happens to have an awesome pet robot named BB.

I don’t know what’s happened in the intervening years, but one thing the 80s excelled at was having awesomely cheesy robots in nearly EVERY movie. If your only exposure to the decade is through its films, you probably think everyone had a nifty little robot running around. As a child of the 80s, I can tell you that’s bullshit. I never even scored one of those awesome Nintendo robots they used to sell, let alone one that could beat up bullies for me.



In BB’s case, our teenage genius, of which there also seemed to be a surplus of in the 80s, has equipped him with the latest in artificial intelligence. He follows his creator around like a puppy and the little guy generally wants to be everyone’s friend, but god help you if you piss him off. The dude holds grudges like you wouldn’t believe and doesn’t seem so cute when he’s got your junk in a vice grip (which is about to happen in the above picture).

While I was watching BB do his thing, it occurred to me that he wasn’t being used to his full potential. As much as I enjoyed Deadly Friend, it could’ve been improved on in a big way. Instead of moving to an upper class neighborhood and going to some fancy college, it would’ve been waaaayyyy more interesting if our teen genius took BB over to the Park Plaza Mall to square off against some Killbots.

If you’ve never seen one in action, Killbots are the best the 80s have to offer in terms of bloodthirsty mall security gone wrong. In Chopping Mall, a trio of them kills their way through a group of drunk, horny teens before finally meeting their match in Kelli Maroney.

BB and Killbots have several basics in common: Both feature tank tread legs, both end up killing people, and both have an aversion to shotguns. Both also star in movies that feature amazing head exploding scenes.

Deadly Friend (though it looks like Kristy Swanson, BB's brain is behind the wheel)



Chopping Mall



If it came to blows, though, who’d come out on top? Killbots are armed to the teeth with lasers, tazers, saw blades, darts…you name it, they’ve got it. They’re certainly impressive on paper, and if you’re a janitor or a teenage mall employee you should really watch your back. On paper, they make BB look like a pacifist by comparison. He doesn’t have any onboard lasers or saw blades. He doesn’t have any tazers or darts. But he does have working arms, artificial intelligence and a thirst for revenge, which is why I’m putting my money on the Beeb.

Even without the Kristy Swanson upgrade, which would easily put him on top, he’s got the two essential capacities of being able to learn and being able to get pissed. For all their weaponry, the Killbots are programmed to do one thing and only one thing, while BB can do whatever the hell he feels like. (Also, “whatever the hell he feels like” may or may not include summoning elder gods to destroy his enemies. For the most part BB rolls around saying his name over and over, but if you listen to the other babbling noises he makes they sound eerily similar to some Lovecraftian incantations.) Plus, he doesn’t need built in weapons. Everything he gets his hands on is a weapon. Did you watch the clip above? A basketball? That was a first. I’ve never seen a basketball explode someone’s head before. Not even LeBron could pull that off. And before you say it, yes, he could’ve made that happen while he still had his robo chassis.

The Killbots wouldn’t stand a chance. Seriously. Go watch both movies and decide for yourself. If nothing else you’ll get to watch two incredibly fun movies. And let’s face it, if you’re reading this you’ve obviously got time to be doing something else.

Just remember to be extra nice to any yellow robots you run across. Or at least make sure you keep your crotch out of arm’s length.